Taking the bad with the good

The Doctor's office called me on Tuesday and said that they wanted me in for the next avaliable unltrasound. This happened to be today at 11:15. So We have learned that Mackinley is still 3 weeks behind in size. And all of the original problems still exist. Her kidney's are functioning and she has a "normal" amount of amniotic fluid around her for now. But, they found a heart defect, instead of the 4 chambers of her heart being seperate the bottom 2 open into each other, and so do the top two.. So we will take the bad with the good and continue to wait for when our Heavenly Father calls her home. I am excited to have these new pictures of her. And no her skin isn't bumpy it is smooth like all babies tha is just how the pictures look when done in 4D....

a new blog

For all of you following this blog, I was locked out and hacked, for several days and because of this re-did my blog and moved it to another site. It is too valuable to me. Since I plan on having it done into a book for us to keep
you are more then welcome to continue to follow it at

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT

A new perspective

As the holiday season approaches I have been thinking a lot about why we celebrate this time of year. I guess you could say I have a new perspective. Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. We have been blessed with the opportunity to provide a body to a beautiful baby girl that I believe is so perfect that all she needs is a body so that she can return to her Heavenly Father. Without the willingness of our of Father in Heaven to allow his son Jesus Christ to come to earth and gain a body so that he could suffer and die for us it wouldn't be possible for us to be with Mackinley again.
This new perspective makes me so thankful for a loving Savior that was willing to be born in a lowly stable so that the plan of salvation would be carried out. So while many celebrate the birth of Christ I will not only celebrate that but I will celebrate that it has blessed me with the opportunity to one day hold our beautiful baby Mackinley again and have her forever.

Everyday life

We are trying to keep life as normal as possible. And just keep going. I long for those things I won't get to have right now with Mackinley and yet sometimes my 3 kids make me crazy and I wish for peace and quiet. I often look at Jordyn and think after goin through this I will just be grateful for the three healthy kids I have.
I had a sweet boy come up to me at school today and tell me. "My mom says we can buy a present and give it to you for your baby." What do you say to something like that....
The closer it gets to my due date the more presseure I feel to get everything ready for the time to let her go. There is so much to do to be ready. The hardest part is knowing how many people to expect. And how to get my children through this.

Ups and downs

So last night I lay in bed and right before I go to sleep I always listen to Mackinley with the heart monitor (THANK YOU KARRIE/ MARY and JASON) and everytime I would find her heart beat she would kick the monitor. It was hilarioius. I know she was kicking it because I would feel it move in my hand. It was like she was saying to me "I'm fine mom. Leave me alone so I can sleep." I am learning on this roller coaster of life that no matter how far down the ride may go, if you look for them there are always ups. Even if they last but a moment.
As Jared and I work on preparations for when it is time to let her go. We decided that we will have a small memorial service then the grave side service. A part of me feels as though I should speak at the memorial service but I don't think I am strong enough for that... It's hard to know what to do. I never imagined I would be burying a baby.

A perfect night after a horrible day

So after shedding many tears. Just about all I own. what a sweet thing we were blessed with. I am convinced that Mackinley is growing. Last night after a long talk with Jared we laid down to go to sleep and as he reaches over and places his hand on my stomach Mackinley repeatedly kicks his hand. What a joy that is to be able to feel her movements on the outside as well as the inside. I think this has been harder on Jared then me. I can feel her from the inside. With the other 3 he would talk to them all the time. Last night was the first time he has really talked to her. HE told her it was her Daddy and he loves her and can't wait to see her. It was all I could do to not cry Each moment is a blessing. Most Trisomy 18 babies don't survive to delivery and who knows if she will or not. So we have to take in and cherish every sign of life she gives us. What a fabulous way to end a rough day. No matter how long or short her stay may be she has touched our life in a way only a child can.
"Every child no matter how fragile their life or brief their days changes the world." I know this is true for Mackinley has changed our world in so many ways and she has yet to arrive.

Everything a reminder

Today one fo my best friends at church blessed theri beautuiful baby girl. While I am soo happy for them. It was such a hard day I think all I did was cry. It reminded me that instead of planning a baby blessing with a dinner to follow with all of the family. We wwill plan a memorial service, with a graveside to follow. I had just finally got myself all composed when her mother in law. whom I have known for a very long time came over and gave me a hug and started crying. FOr the remaining two hours of just I was pretty much numb.
It is bitter sweet to watch all these people with babies. while I am soo happy for them I sometimes think do they know how lucky they are? I know that my friend does. And most people do. . Today was just one of those bitter sweeet days. Lately everything has been a reminder of how hard this is and at the same time how much of a blessing this has all been. It will be a long road that will be full of daily feminders some bitter and some sweet.

Sedatives

Since this all began each time I go to the doctor he asks me if I am okay,, how I am sleeping, if I need anything to help with sleep, or depression. I always tell him the same thing I am doing okay. My days are fine. In fact they go by rather quickly. At work I am soo busy I don't have time to think about it too much. And my evenings are filled with Avery's homework the needs of Tucker and Jordyn, fixing dinner, trying to maintain a decent looking house, and whatever other things might be going on. As for sleep. I have discovered it is not my worries of Mackinley that keep me awake. I know that while she won't be in my arms for very long she will go back to our Heavenly FAther to be in his. Which I am sure is a safer place then in mine.
The thing that keeps me awake is how we are going to take care of the other 3. By the time this is said and done we will be carrying between 8-10,000 dollars in medical bills. After insurance. And that doesn't even include funeral expenses. SO would I like a sedative? Sometimes I think "ABSOLUTELY." Could I ever take one. No, because I know that once I did and it took all the worries of everyday life away (because tylenol makes me sleep for 8 hours) I would not have the strength to come back and face them. I believe for me it would be much easier to not deal with the realities of life. But this life wasn't meant to be easy. It wouldn't be a test if it was.

Great trials bring great blessings

We have recieved so many kind acts of service and love. What a blessing all of our friends and family have been. So far Mackinley's heart rate has remained stable at between 140-150 beats a minute. I have deffinately felt her move a lot more these past couple days. With strong enough movement to be felt from the outside. I am trying to be the optimist and tell myself it is because she is growing and getting stronger. But there is a part of me that wonders if the movements are getting stronger because the fluid is getting lower so there is less of a cushion between her and myself.
We have a two week break for Christmas coming up in about two weeks, and I am not looking forward to it. It is hard to not have my mind occuppied.
The bills have already started rolling in, and I don't not look forward to the ones that will come after we have said our good-bye's. I sometimes wonder how will will manage them all. But I know that GREAT TRIALS bring GREAT BLESSINGS. So we willcontinue to do our best to be worthy of what the Lord sees fit for us.

The Christmas party

Last night was our church Christmas party. I broke my own rule. I tend to only cry at home. Well for part of the program they showed a video of the nativity. Inserted in the video were clips of families sitting together reading the nativity story. I did pretty good until they showed a dad with a baby on his lap as he rocked her in a rocking chair. That was in for me. I was out the door in a flash. Cried for a minute and was headed back in to sit with Jared and the kids.
My tears came for many reasons the main reason was as I sat there watching this video I was reminded that without the willing sacrifice made by our HEavenly Father of his beloved son JEsus Christ it would not be possible for us to hold MAckinley again. It was kind of a surreal moment to realize all the pain I feel my Heavenly Father felt for his son. And while I didn't choose this trial. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much that he chose to allow Christ to sacrifice his life for us. How thankful I am for a father's love for me.

No pity please....

I have decided that there is a deffinate difference between feeling sad for someonme and having pity for them. As I go different places and see different people I know I can see in their eyes if they are sad with me, or if they pity me. I think when you are sad for someone your heart hurts when you think of their loss. When you pity them you look at them and think "oh that is do bad whatever wil they do." As I walk down this road I have decided I want no pity. Yes, losing a baby will be harder then I can even imagine now. And the pain will always stay to a certain degree. But will I ever look back and wish this hadn't happened? In my heart I don't think I will. Everyday that Mackinley is a part of our family rather inside of me or not is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. And while we may not get to have first birthday's, day's of school, loose, teeth, dates, or any of those other things. I know with all of my heart that because of the plan of Salvation, and the willingness of my elder brother Jesus Christ to sacrifice his life so that we could live again Mackinley will be waiting for Jared and I on the other side of the veil. This has been whispered to my heart. Please feel sad with us grieve for us if you feel the desire. But don't pity us. We have been blessed to have a beatiful baby that will be waiting for us on the other side of the veil. She will be perfect, able to run and dance and play. Things every parent wishes for a child. And that is the GREATEST gift there is.