Every day is different.....

After reflecting back on my week last week I have decided that time off of work is not a good thing. Last week we ha da full week off for Thanksgiving because of snow days. And while I was hoem with my kids and had things to do my mind wasn't completely occupied like it is when I am at work. And I FELL APART. I cried like I cried after the trip to Ogden.
Today I went back to work. And my day was so much better. and everytime someone asks me how I am doing it helps. It helps me to talk about her. Whether Mackinley is born alive or not she will always be my fourth child and always a part of my family.
I was given an AMAZING gift today. A friend brought by the most beautiful picture of a mother's hands with baby feet inside of them and a quote by Helen keller that says, "What we have once enjoyed we can never los. All that we love becomes a part of us." THANK YOU KATIE!!! You are answer to a broken heart and many prayers.
While this will be hard and might break me for a while, I will be forever thankful that while not in this life I will have Mackinley always as a part of me. And hold her in the here-after.

Update

I honestly think that the doctor was surprised that I am still carrying Mackinley. And that her heart rate is still 143 beats a minute. They gave me the option of taking the glucose test. Since in all reality it will not make any difference if I have gestational diabetes or not. So I chose nopt to have it done. I did have to have my blood drawn for another rogham test. My blood type is -o (o negative) so I am not compatible with anyone. And without the shot if I lose her before term it could make it so I could never have kids again. We didn't schedule another ultrasound. I don't think I want one. Because if things are detioriating It will just add pain and stress.
We will go back to the doctor in three weeks. I asked for things we should watch for. Since we have a heart monitor the doctor said if we lose her what will probably happen is her heart rate will spike above 160 and then it will drop and she will be gone. So we wait.

Back to the doctor

Well today will be our first trip back to the doctor since we met with after going to Ogden. I am a little nervous, not sure if we will be scheduled for another ultrasound or not. I hope we will so that we can atleast see if she is growing and how her amniotic fluid is doing. I will keep you updated

Tears and a name

I don't cry as much now. Life has become somewhat mechanical. When people ask I feel myself go numb as I give an answer almost as though it has been rehearsed for a movie, or play. Sometimes I don't even realize I am talking. I am 24 weeks now. And instead of looking forward to not being pregnant I wish that I could keep her safe within me forever. I am afraid that when the time comes I will not have the strength I need. Everday I pray for her to live long enough for us to be able to hold her and tell her how we love her, and can't wait to see her again. Sometimes I wish I could run out of tears. I only cry at home. But that often happens when the kids are asleep and JAred is at work.
This past year I had 2 very close friends pass away. They both had Ann in their name. So Jared picked Mackinley for her first name and her middle name will be Ann to honor them. Dear Mackinley Ann I will never run out of tears for you.

The Doctor

On Monday we met with my O.B. And were given two more choices to make. Have the birth here surrounded by family. And let her live as long as she can on her own. Or go To Salt Lake or Boise and let her live in the NICU for as long as her body can stand. Now two cases are the same there is a %30 chance of surviving to deliver, And only a %10 chance of life after birth. So now we wait.
Some days are good some are bad. We will do continued ultrasounds to monitor growth and amniotic fluid. The genetists called us from Ogden and told us she also has Spinsbifida.
A friend of mine found us a fetal heart monitor so I listen to her everyday. Right now her heart rate is steady at between 145-150.
I don't often ask why. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS /Mormon). We believe that after being seale together in the Temple that our family unit is eternal. So I know that our baby girl will be waiting for us when this life is over.
With the comfort that brings a piece of me is still broken. Knowing instead of having first birthdays and Christmas's with her they will be celebrated without her.
The days are long and hard. The first were the worst I remember crying so hard I couldn't breathe. OR crying until I fell asleep.

Ogden... This can't be happening to us

After laying on the table for what seemed like forever. And seeing several pictures taken of the organs and other things it was time for the results. Finally the Doctor comes in and tells us that she has all the signs of a Trisomy 18 baby. That means hat the 18th chromosome was duplicated too many times. A condition that "is not compatable with life" We now have a few choices. We can just keep going and let whatever is going to happen happen. Or we can do an amnioscentesis. To determine the actual problem. What we know for sure is: her heart is sideways and in the middle of her chest, her stomach and other organs are under developed, her kidneys are not producing suficcient amniotic fluid, her arms and legs are short, she cannot extend her arms, and has clubbed feet, the back part (cerebellum) of her brain instead of being flat is banana shaped due to her spine pulling on it, and she has choroid plexus cysts in the part of her brain the produces the spinal fluid.
Knowing the complications our options are : Terminate or induce labor to end the pregnancy, or carry as long as possible. In my heart I knew that termination was not even an option. And Jared felt the same way. So here I am now 24 weeks.

The world crashed down.

I was just finishing up my lunch break when my cell rang. The call said restricted, so I almost didn't answer it. SOmetimes I wish I wouldn't have. It was the nurse from the doctors office. She said to me, "There are some complications with your ultrasound. We have made you an appointment for this Friday at 11am at the Makay-Dee Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic." She mentioned something about clubbed feet and they couldn't find the kidney's and the baby was 3 weeks behind in size.
Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints (LDS/Mormon) We believe the priesthood has been restored and my husband gave me a blessing. I knew then we would not keep this baby for this life.
My world came crashing down. I called my husband at work told him we had to go to Ogden on Friday and there are problems. And in walked my 1st grade P.E. class. I couldn't stay I couldn't quit crying. And so I left for the day and spent the remainder of the day numb. The next two days and the drive to Ogden took forver and at the same time came all too soon. What came next no parent can ever be ready for.

In the beginning

If you are reading this because your world has just been turned upside down as ours was my thoughts and prayers go out to you. This is the ongoing story of our journey with Trisomy 18.
I thought we were finished having children. With 3 vibrant healthy children I was ready to be done. Then one day Jared and I felt very strongly that we needed to add to our family. 4 weeks later we had a positive pregnancy test in our hands. As far as health we had no concerns. We are parents toa healthy 6,4,&2 year old. All arriving with no complications. At about 14 weeks I noticed that our baby didnt move a whole lot. I attributed this to the fact that I am the Physical Education teacher at a local elementary school. I just figured I didn't notice since i am on my feet and active all day long.
At 20 weeks we were ready for the first ultrasound. We took our three children along because the girls wanted a sister and our boy wanted a brother. We figured hearing from the tech would make the dissappointment easier for which ever one would not be getting what they wanted. I remember laying there as they took pictures. The lady didn't show us feet or hands and didn't say a whole lot. I just figured it was because it was a different person then we usually had. She said she thought it was a girl but wasn't sure and that the radiologist would read the films and if there were any concerns our dr. office would call. Instead of the normal 15 pictures we walked out with 5.