Taking the bad with the good

The Doctor's office called me on Tuesday and said that they wanted me in for the next avaliable unltrasound. This happened to be today at 11:15. So We have learned that Mackinley is still 3 weeks behind in size. And all of the original problems still exist. Her kidney's are functioning and she has a "normal" amount of amniotic fluid around her for now. But, they found a heart defect, instead of the 4 chambers of her heart being seperate the bottom 2 open into each other, and so do the top two.. So we will take the bad with the good and continue to wait for when our Heavenly Father calls her home. I am excited to have these new pictures of her. And no her skin isn't bumpy it is smooth like all babies tha is just how the pictures look when done in 4D....

a new blog

For all of you following this blog, I was locked out and hacked, for several days and because of this re-did my blog and moved it to another site. It is too valuable to me. Since I plan on having it done into a book for us to keep
you are more then welcome to continue to follow it at

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT

A new perspective

As the holiday season approaches I have been thinking a lot about why we celebrate this time of year. I guess you could say I have a new perspective. Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. We have been blessed with the opportunity to provide a body to a beautiful baby girl that I believe is so perfect that all she needs is a body so that she can return to her Heavenly Father. Without the willingness of our of Father in Heaven to allow his son Jesus Christ to come to earth and gain a body so that he could suffer and die for us it wouldn't be possible for us to be with Mackinley again.
This new perspective makes me so thankful for a loving Savior that was willing to be born in a lowly stable so that the plan of salvation would be carried out. So while many celebrate the birth of Christ I will not only celebrate that but I will celebrate that it has blessed me with the opportunity to one day hold our beautiful baby Mackinley again and have her forever.

Everyday life

We are trying to keep life as normal as possible. And just keep going. I long for those things I won't get to have right now with Mackinley and yet sometimes my 3 kids make me crazy and I wish for peace and quiet. I often look at Jordyn and think after goin through this I will just be grateful for the three healthy kids I have.
I had a sweet boy come up to me at school today and tell me. "My mom says we can buy a present and give it to you for your baby." What do you say to something like that....
The closer it gets to my due date the more presseure I feel to get everything ready for the time to let her go. There is so much to do to be ready. The hardest part is knowing how many people to expect. And how to get my children through this.

Ups and downs

So last night I lay in bed and right before I go to sleep I always listen to Mackinley with the heart monitor (THANK YOU KARRIE/ MARY and JASON) and everytime I would find her heart beat she would kick the monitor. It was hilarioius. I know she was kicking it because I would feel it move in my hand. It was like she was saying to me "I'm fine mom. Leave me alone so I can sleep." I am learning on this roller coaster of life that no matter how far down the ride may go, if you look for them there are always ups. Even if they last but a moment.
As Jared and I work on preparations for when it is time to let her go. We decided that we will have a small memorial service then the grave side service. A part of me feels as though I should speak at the memorial service but I don't think I am strong enough for that... It's hard to know what to do. I never imagined I would be burying a baby.

A perfect night after a horrible day

So after shedding many tears. Just about all I own. what a sweet thing we were blessed with. I am convinced that Mackinley is growing. Last night after a long talk with Jared we laid down to go to sleep and as he reaches over and places his hand on my stomach Mackinley repeatedly kicks his hand. What a joy that is to be able to feel her movements on the outside as well as the inside. I think this has been harder on Jared then me. I can feel her from the inside. With the other 3 he would talk to them all the time. Last night was the first time he has really talked to her. HE told her it was her Daddy and he loves her and can't wait to see her. It was all I could do to not cry Each moment is a blessing. Most Trisomy 18 babies don't survive to delivery and who knows if she will or not. So we have to take in and cherish every sign of life she gives us. What a fabulous way to end a rough day. No matter how long or short her stay may be she has touched our life in a way only a child can.
"Every child no matter how fragile their life or brief their days changes the world." I know this is true for Mackinley has changed our world in so many ways and she has yet to arrive.

Everything a reminder

Today one fo my best friends at church blessed theri beautuiful baby girl. While I am soo happy for them. It was such a hard day I think all I did was cry. It reminded me that instead of planning a baby blessing with a dinner to follow with all of the family. We wwill plan a memorial service, with a graveside to follow. I had just finally got myself all composed when her mother in law. whom I have known for a very long time came over and gave me a hug and started crying. FOr the remaining two hours of just I was pretty much numb.
It is bitter sweet to watch all these people with babies. while I am soo happy for them I sometimes think do they know how lucky they are? I know that my friend does. And most people do. . Today was just one of those bitter sweeet days. Lately everything has been a reminder of how hard this is and at the same time how much of a blessing this has all been. It will be a long road that will be full of daily feminders some bitter and some sweet.

Sedatives

Since this all began each time I go to the doctor he asks me if I am okay,, how I am sleeping, if I need anything to help with sleep, or depression. I always tell him the same thing I am doing okay. My days are fine. In fact they go by rather quickly. At work I am soo busy I don't have time to think about it too much. And my evenings are filled with Avery's homework the needs of Tucker and Jordyn, fixing dinner, trying to maintain a decent looking house, and whatever other things might be going on. As for sleep. I have discovered it is not my worries of Mackinley that keep me awake. I know that while she won't be in my arms for very long she will go back to our Heavenly FAther to be in his. Which I am sure is a safer place then in mine.
The thing that keeps me awake is how we are going to take care of the other 3. By the time this is said and done we will be carrying between 8-10,000 dollars in medical bills. After insurance. And that doesn't even include funeral expenses. SO would I like a sedative? Sometimes I think "ABSOLUTELY." Could I ever take one. No, because I know that once I did and it took all the worries of everyday life away (because tylenol makes me sleep for 8 hours) I would not have the strength to come back and face them. I believe for me it would be much easier to not deal with the realities of life. But this life wasn't meant to be easy. It wouldn't be a test if it was.

Great trials bring great blessings

We have recieved so many kind acts of service and love. What a blessing all of our friends and family have been. So far Mackinley's heart rate has remained stable at between 140-150 beats a minute. I have deffinately felt her move a lot more these past couple days. With strong enough movement to be felt from the outside. I am trying to be the optimist and tell myself it is because she is growing and getting stronger. But there is a part of me that wonders if the movements are getting stronger because the fluid is getting lower so there is less of a cushion between her and myself.
We have a two week break for Christmas coming up in about two weeks, and I am not looking forward to it. It is hard to not have my mind occuppied.
The bills have already started rolling in, and I don't not look forward to the ones that will come after we have said our good-bye's. I sometimes wonder how will will manage them all. But I know that GREAT TRIALS bring GREAT BLESSINGS. So we willcontinue to do our best to be worthy of what the Lord sees fit for us.

The Christmas party

Last night was our church Christmas party. I broke my own rule. I tend to only cry at home. Well for part of the program they showed a video of the nativity. Inserted in the video were clips of families sitting together reading the nativity story. I did pretty good until they showed a dad with a baby on his lap as he rocked her in a rocking chair. That was in for me. I was out the door in a flash. Cried for a minute and was headed back in to sit with Jared and the kids.
My tears came for many reasons the main reason was as I sat there watching this video I was reminded that without the willing sacrifice made by our HEavenly Father of his beloved son JEsus Christ it would not be possible for us to hold MAckinley again. It was kind of a surreal moment to realize all the pain I feel my Heavenly Father felt for his son. And while I didn't choose this trial. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much that he chose to allow Christ to sacrifice his life for us. How thankful I am for a father's love for me.

No pity please....

I have decided that there is a deffinate difference between feeling sad for someonme and having pity for them. As I go different places and see different people I know I can see in their eyes if they are sad with me, or if they pity me. I think when you are sad for someone your heart hurts when you think of their loss. When you pity them you look at them and think "oh that is do bad whatever wil they do." As I walk down this road I have decided I want no pity. Yes, losing a baby will be harder then I can even imagine now. And the pain will always stay to a certain degree. But will I ever look back and wish this hadn't happened? In my heart I don't think I will. Everyday that Mackinley is a part of our family rather inside of me or not is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. And while we may not get to have first birthday's, day's of school, loose, teeth, dates, or any of those other things. I know with all of my heart that because of the plan of Salvation, and the willingness of my elder brother Jesus Christ to sacrifice his life so that we could live again Mackinley will be waiting for Jared and I on the other side of the veil. This has been whispered to my heart. Please feel sad with us grieve for us if you feel the desire. But don't pity us. We have been blessed to have a beatiful baby that will be waiting for us on the other side of the veil. She will be perfect, able to run and dance and play. Things every parent wishes for a child. And that is the GREATEST gift there is.

Every day is different.....

After reflecting back on my week last week I have decided that time off of work is not a good thing. Last week we ha da full week off for Thanksgiving because of snow days. And while I was hoem with my kids and had things to do my mind wasn't completely occupied like it is when I am at work. And I FELL APART. I cried like I cried after the trip to Ogden.
Today I went back to work. And my day was so much better. and everytime someone asks me how I am doing it helps. It helps me to talk about her. Whether Mackinley is born alive or not she will always be my fourth child and always a part of my family.
I was given an AMAZING gift today. A friend brought by the most beautiful picture of a mother's hands with baby feet inside of them and a quote by Helen keller that says, "What we have once enjoyed we can never los. All that we love becomes a part of us." THANK YOU KATIE!!! You are answer to a broken heart and many prayers.
While this will be hard and might break me for a while, I will be forever thankful that while not in this life I will have Mackinley always as a part of me. And hold her in the here-after.

Update

I honestly think that the doctor was surprised that I am still carrying Mackinley. And that her heart rate is still 143 beats a minute. They gave me the option of taking the glucose test. Since in all reality it will not make any difference if I have gestational diabetes or not. So I chose nopt to have it done. I did have to have my blood drawn for another rogham test. My blood type is -o (o negative) so I am not compatible with anyone. And without the shot if I lose her before term it could make it so I could never have kids again. We didn't schedule another ultrasound. I don't think I want one. Because if things are detioriating It will just add pain and stress.
We will go back to the doctor in three weeks. I asked for things we should watch for. Since we have a heart monitor the doctor said if we lose her what will probably happen is her heart rate will spike above 160 and then it will drop and she will be gone. So we wait.

Back to the doctor

Well today will be our first trip back to the doctor since we met with after going to Ogden. I am a little nervous, not sure if we will be scheduled for another ultrasound or not. I hope we will so that we can atleast see if she is growing and how her amniotic fluid is doing. I will keep you updated

Tears and a name

I don't cry as much now. Life has become somewhat mechanical. When people ask I feel myself go numb as I give an answer almost as though it has been rehearsed for a movie, or play. Sometimes I don't even realize I am talking. I am 24 weeks now. And instead of looking forward to not being pregnant I wish that I could keep her safe within me forever. I am afraid that when the time comes I will not have the strength I need. Everday I pray for her to live long enough for us to be able to hold her and tell her how we love her, and can't wait to see her again. Sometimes I wish I could run out of tears. I only cry at home. But that often happens when the kids are asleep and JAred is at work.
This past year I had 2 very close friends pass away. They both had Ann in their name. So Jared picked Mackinley for her first name and her middle name will be Ann to honor them. Dear Mackinley Ann I will never run out of tears for you.

The Doctor

On Monday we met with my O.B. And were given two more choices to make. Have the birth here surrounded by family. And let her live as long as she can on her own. Or go To Salt Lake or Boise and let her live in the NICU for as long as her body can stand. Now two cases are the same there is a %30 chance of surviving to deliver, And only a %10 chance of life after birth. So now we wait.
Some days are good some are bad. We will do continued ultrasounds to monitor growth and amniotic fluid. The genetists called us from Ogden and told us she also has Spinsbifida.
A friend of mine found us a fetal heart monitor so I listen to her everyday. Right now her heart rate is steady at between 145-150.
I don't often ask why. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS /Mormon). We believe that after being seale together in the Temple that our family unit is eternal. So I know that our baby girl will be waiting for us when this life is over.
With the comfort that brings a piece of me is still broken. Knowing instead of having first birthdays and Christmas's with her they will be celebrated without her.
The days are long and hard. The first were the worst I remember crying so hard I couldn't breathe. OR crying until I fell asleep.

Ogden... This can't be happening to us

After laying on the table for what seemed like forever. And seeing several pictures taken of the organs and other things it was time for the results. Finally the Doctor comes in and tells us that she has all the signs of a Trisomy 18 baby. That means hat the 18th chromosome was duplicated too many times. A condition that "is not compatable with life" We now have a few choices. We can just keep going and let whatever is going to happen happen. Or we can do an amnioscentesis. To determine the actual problem. What we know for sure is: her heart is sideways and in the middle of her chest, her stomach and other organs are under developed, her kidneys are not producing suficcient amniotic fluid, her arms and legs are short, she cannot extend her arms, and has clubbed feet, the back part (cerebellum) of her brain instead of being flat is banana shaped due to her spine pulling on it, and she has choroid plexus cysts in the part of her brain the produces the spinal fluid.
Knowing the complications our options are : Terminate or induce labor to end the pregnancy, or carry as long as possible. In my heart I knew that termination was not even an option. And Jared felt the same way. So here I am now 24 weeks.

The world crashed down.

I was just finishing up my lunch break when my cell rang. The call said restricted, so I almost didn't answer it. SOmetimes I wish I wouldn't have. It was the nurse from the doctors office. She said to me, "There are some complications with your ultrasound. We have made you an appointment for this Friday at 11am at the Makay-Dee Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic." She mentioned something about clubbed feet and they couldn't find the kidney's and the baby was 3 weeks behind in size.
Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints (LDS/Mormon) We believe the priesthood has been restored and my husband gave me a blessing. I knew then we would not keep this baby for this life.
My world came crashing down. I called my husband at work told him we had to go to Ogden on Friday and there are problems. And in walked my 1st grade P.E. class. I couldn't stay I couldn't quit crying. And so I left for the day and spent the remainder of the day numb. The next two days and the drive to Ogden took forver and at the same time came all too soon. What came next no parent can ever be ready for.

In the beginning

If you are reading this because your world has just been turned upside down as ours was my thoughts and prayers go out to you. This is the ongoing story of our journey with Trisomy 18.
I thought we were finished having children. With 3 vibrant healthy children I was ready to be done. Then one day Jared and I felt very strongly that we needed to add to our family. 4 weeks later we had a positive pregnancy test in our hands. As far as health we had no concerns. We are parents toa healthy 6,4,&2 year old. All arriving with no complications. At about 14 weeks I noticed that our baby didnt move a whole lot. I attributed this to the fact that I am the Physical Education teacher at a local elementary school. I just figured I didn't notice since i am on my feet and active all day long.
At 20 weeks we were ready for the first ultrasound. We took our three children along because the girls wanted a sister and our boy wanted a brother. We figured hearing from the tech would make the dissappointment easier for which ever one would not be getting what they wanted. I remember laying there as they took pictures. The lady didn't show us feet or hands and didn't say a whole lot. I just figured it was because it was a different person then we usually had. She said she thought it was a girl but wasn't sure and that the radiologist would read the films and if there were any concerns our dr. office would call. Instead of the normal 15 pictures we walked out with 5.